The Gothic eZine - Dance

Compiled by Arifel, Sephrael, and Loki.


This document seems to be getting less and less serious with each new entry.

Many of these dance styles were observed within a two-hour period at Mortis/Oxide:

The Spin Cycle
(hi, gareth!)
Hands behind back; head down; hair is swung around very much like the tassels on Elvira's nipples. Think of that scene in Wayne's World where they were listening to "Bohemian Rhapsody".
Skippy the Goth Kangaroo Wait until the strobe lights are on; jump forward and throw arms back; jump back and throw arms forward. jump to the left and throw arms to the right; jump to the right and throw arms to the left. Repeat as necessary.
Herman Munster Wait until the DJ plays something by Black Flag or the Rollins Band; do the `Back and Forth Two-Step' (as practised by cautious Lucrezias in long dresses) except don't bend your knees. Resembles the Soviet Red Army on parade, or John Cleese doing a Silly Walk.
Ralph Buick Hands resting on the fronts of the thighs; bend over as if vomiting; straighten up. Repeat until the song ends.
The Hungry Jack's Family Meal
(hi, Orlock!)
Hold arms down, hands out, bent forward at the elbows as if pretending to be that robot from Lost In Space; pretend you're cooking lots of hamburgers. Shuffle back and forth between imaginary stoves and the imaginary counter. Smile.
Too Drunk To Fuck Stand with both feet placed directly below the centre of gravity; wave arms tentatively; look like you are about to move, but don't. This is excellent for confusing the more mobile dancers, who think you're about to make a space for them to dance into. A degree of head-tossing is permitted. Try not to fall over.
Minesweeper Hands behind back; carefully step around the dancefloor, eyes half-closed, as if looking for mines the hard way. Be sure to bend your knees occasionally, or people will think you're doing the Herman Munster.
Invocation of the Elder Gods
(hi, Django!)
Feet in one place; write out the first chapter of the Necronomicon in arabic, in the air above you, using both hands. When Ye Elder Gods appear, shit yourself. Note: when Fiona is giving away CDs for dancing pretentiously, accelerate the hand movements.
The Morning Jog Around the Dancefloor Self-explanatory.
Hiding in the Effulgence of the Fog Machine Self-explanatory.
The Shampoo and Rinse Two-Step Self-explanatory.
Oh, No! My Waistcoat's on Fire! Similar to The Invocation of the Elder Gods, except instead of waving your hands in the air, you pretend to slap at all of your pockets in sequence as if you'd just become the target for a million fleas. Think of that guy in the second Hellraiser film, screaming "Please, get them off me!"
The Funky Gibbon (hi, Entrippy!) Half-crouch; swing arms back and forth, 180 degrees out of phase (i.e swing your LEFT arm back, RIGHT arm forward); waddle around the dancefloor. If you have no shame whatsoever, pout your lips like a chimpanzee's. this is most effective if you're dressed as a Modern Primitive. Swinging from the lighting fixtures is not recommended.

If you're really adventurous, occasionally lift one leg off the ground in combination with the opposite arm.

The Irish Goth Jig Also known as "River Dance", or "Yes I Am Wearing A Straightjacket". Back very straight, hands down by sides. Step lightly around the dance floor, pointing toes (this last is assumed, since it's hard to tell in Doc Martens). Look straight ahead, smile lots. Most often done when Madness songs are being played.
The Goth Pogo Another Madness favourite. Stand with feet together, body straight. Stare directly ahead and jump up and down on the spot, while making the occasional obligatory hand gesture.
Casting Spells at the Dance Floor Only done by Lucretias, usually in combination with the Two-Step Back and Forth. Let go of the skirt with one hand, wave the other mysteriously at the floor and enchant the small space directly in front of you. Stare intently at it.
The Fly Swatter Plant feet. With both arms bent, wave one quickly back and forth in front of your face. Occasionally swap hands. Don't move your feet.
The Chainsaw Move your hands like you're revving up a chainsaw, while doing a gothic two step - really put your shoulder into it. After five or six revs, when it's going nicely, grasp it with both hands, swing it viciously at anyone else on the dance floor. Even better with two people, as you can sword fight back and forth across the dance floor, occasionally shouting "I wll never rule the universe with you!!!!!" for extra effect.
The Winch Pretty self explanatory really, start with the right hand, and make gestures like you're winching something out of a well, then switch to the left hand - follow this with a pained expression, and start using both hands. Keep switching back and forth as the music inspires you.
The Dealer
(Hi, Jared!)
Poonce about the dance-floor, every now and then dealing cards out to the other dancers. After dealing what feels to be about a full hand, fan out your cards, jive a bit, then trhow them down in disgust and storm off the dance floor.
Violent Masturbation
(Hi, Romany!)
Violent Masturbation - well, use your imagination!

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